Health Department Inspector and the Dildo Dilemna

I often send my friend, an inspector for the health department, stories highlighting my penchant for using up out-dated food from my storage room. She writes back telling me how she and her colleagues laugh at the lengths I’ll go to avoid waste.

So, yesterday, when I invited my friend to have lunch at my house, she seemed hesitant.

“I’ll treat you to lunch at a restaurant.” She offered.

“Save your money. I can make salads and top it with turkey instead of grilled chicken. You don’t mind leftover turkey do you?”

“I don’t want to inconvenience you. Let’s go out.”

“It’s no bother. Salads are simple to make. Don’t worry, I won’t use anything out-dated from my storage room.”

“Okay.” She relinquished.

As promised, I made a nice salad with fresh romaine lettuce, spinach, diced apples, and candied walnuts.

While we ate conversation turned to an assortment of topics, one, of which, led me to reveal my latest solution to a dildo problem. It was too long…too painful to use. “So I cut off part of it.” I explained.

“Really?!” She gasped.

“How much did you cut off?”

“About a third of it.” I said holding up my fingers to give her a visual of the two plus inches that had been removed.”

“Which end did you cut?”

“The base,” I answered, “…didn’t want to mess with the smooth tip.”

“Smart decision. But if you removed the width of the base, how do you keep it from slipping out of the strap on?”

“Safety pins.” I announced with problem solving pride. “I experimented with other solutions but safety pins won out in the end. Silicone didn’t melt well with a cigarette lighter so I couldn’t cut out the middle and reattach the end piece. Thread cut through the silicone when I tried to sew it. It’s in the other room. Here, I’ll just show it to you.”

I stepped toward the bedroom to retrieve it and emerged moments later holding a bright red dildo hanging from a black strap on.

She examined it and said, “That’s perfect. But what did you use to cut through the silicone?”

Pointing to the knife on the kitchen counter, I said, “The same knife I just used to make your salad.”

Color drained from her face.

“But I WASHED it first!” I defended myself. “I swear it was clean.”


Gang rape isn’t one of my fantasies

I knew it was time to worship the almighty vibe today when I woke from a dream just as I was about to be gang-raped. In my dream, a very dear friend was doing his best to protect me, but the gang had split up and surrounded me from every direction. Menwolves edged closer and closer…and then…wait for it…the phone rang.

No, gang-rape isn’t one of my erotic fantasies. But being “wanted” by lots of men is.

Oddly enough, the looming gang-rape was preceded by a thrilling dream that had me skiing through the air, landing periodically, but mostly soaring from mountaintop to mountaintop; then dining with a devilishly-handsome rich tycoon who mutated to a hairy, toothless, shoeless bum who borrowed money to pay for our meal; then I was off skiing again, only this time, on plush carpet through an RC Willey’s showroom.

WTF did I eat last night before bed?!

Oh, yes, it was a Greek dish: Leftover mezedakia with grilled chicken, cucumbers, red onions, and feta cheese.

Note to self: Never eat leftover mezedakia with grilled chicken, cucumbers, red onions, and feta cheese before retiring to bed.

Or maybe it was Walmart’s brand of lemon sorbet I’d eaten for dessert. Better stay away from Walmart’s lemon sorbet as well.

Or maybe it’s because I watched Homicide Hunter while dining in bed.

New note to self: Never eat leftover mezedakia with grilled chicken, cucumbers, red onions, and feta cheese, or Walmart’s lemon sorbet, while watching Homicide Hunter, before retiring to bed.

Disclaimer: Furniture and carpets were not harmed in the making of this dream.

OMG! I’m part of a cult

Found this link.

(Yep, this would describe my life as a Mormon.) See below.

Love Bombing — Friendliness, flattery, praise, and affection are used to entice participation and attendance for potential recruits, and to retain members who may be showing less enthusiasm or are thinking of leaving. New members are sought out, friendshipped, and invited to group events. Potential recruits are overwhelmed with attention, which makes them feel special.

Destabilizing the Self – Barriers are torn down that would otherwise prevent acceptance of new beliefs. Includes those who have already been destabilized by life situations and the indoctrination of children, who have not yet formed a sense of self.

Deception – Lies, omissions, and “front” activities cover up flaws or unusual aspects of the group, doctrine, leadership, and history. Some deceptions will be revealed later when a member is “ready.”

Sacred Science (Closed System of Logic) – The ideology and leader have the one and only truth. Members should only seek answers in group teachings. Doctrinal logic is airtight. The leaders are above criticism and those who question or criticize are immoral.

Mystical Manipulation – Forces exist which are more powerful thanM the self. The group strives to fulfill a higher purpose. Ends justify the means. Events and experiences are orchestrated, manipulated, or reframed to appear supernatural and prove the leader is chosen and the doctrines are true.

Milieu Control – Information and environment are tightly controlled. Gossip, questioning, and criticism is tightly regulated, as is access to outside information, especially that which might raise doubts or be critical of the group.

Demand for Purity (Perpetual Inadequacy) – Lofty moral goals are set. At first the goals seem achievable, but the standards for achievement grow ever more impossible to meet, keeping the follower perpetually inadequate.

Dispensing of Existence – The individual’s literal or figurative existence is threatened as a consequence for impurity, doubt, or leaving the group. Life, the eternal soul, self-esteem, a sense of “being good”, and one’s identity hangs in the balance.

Doctrine Over Self – The individual is subordinate to the group, leader, and teachings. When personal desires, goals, and values conflict with group values, they become selfish or immoral.

Loading the Language – Existing words are loaded with new meaning. New words are added. Other words are banned or dropped from usage. This affects ability to think, as well as ability to communicate comfortably with those outside the group.

Totalist Reframing – Situations, thoughts, or feelings are reinterpreted in a way that suits the goals of the organization. This is used to continually prove the ideology correct, to squelch doubts, and to silence outsiders.

Thought-Terminating Clichés – Short phrases, pat answers, metaphors, and emotional reactions are pre-established to frame doubts. Doubt and questions are automatically shut down.

Social Pressure – Social acceptance and rejection are used to reward and punish. A member becomes driven with a desire to conform. Belief Follows Behavior—Action generates the associated beliefs.

Public Commitment – Commitments are expressed aloud. Public statements reinforce belief and dedication to the group.

Creating Dependency – A member comes to depend on the group for physical, emotional, social, spiritual, or other needs. The member has a high stake in continuing to stay loyal to the group.

Black and White Thinking – Broad spectrums of thought and morality become reduced to two options: Good vs. Evil, Love vs. Hate, Weak vs. Strong. Humble vs. Proud.

Elitism – The members of the group are chosen people, exalted, righteous. Members are made to feel special when compared to outsiders.

Us-Versus-Them Thinking – This is a form of black-and-white thinking wherein outsiders, ex-members, and those critical of the group are dehumanized and labeled as evil, apostate, vicious, hateful, prideful, blinded, deceived, etc. A persecution complex may exist whereby reasonable criticism is reframed as an attack.

Indirect Directives – Certain restrictions or demands on behavior are implied rather than express. The logical elements for a given conclusion are supplied, leaving the member to draw the conclusion herself. Leadership remains innocent of issuing any unseemly teachings.

Identification and Example – Those who behave correctly or incorrectly are used as examples. Suggested behavior can be inferred from these stories without direct commandment. Stories are told, which may be reframed or blatantly untrue, to demonstrate consequences. The human mind relates strongly to stories, and it also inspires social pressure.

Emotion Over Intellect – Emotion is emphasized as the preferred decision-making tool. The value of using reason is downplayed. Doctrines are frequently taught in emotional contexts, such as through stories told in tearful or gentle tones.

Induced Phobias – Fears are instilled which are either imaginary, based on real or exaggerated consequences, or on artificial effects created from group pressures. Trance

Induction & Dissociative States – Critical thinking skills are reduced through regular encouragement of receptive mental states. Altered states can be mild and seem normal, and include concentration, fatigue, boredom, and hunger.

Time Control – The member has little time or energy to question beliefs, associate with outsiders, or examine life too closely. Time spent on group-related activities is strongly encouraged or enforced, and usually fills every spare moment.

Double-Bind – The member is “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” She must betray the group or betray her own integrity.

Blame Reversal – The leadership, group, and doctrine are above reproach, so any failed promises and bad situations are always the fault of the member.

Guilt & Shame – A cycle of guilt and shame comes from repressed doubts, social pressure, and failure to meet impossible standards.

Confession – The individual surrenders to leaders through confession, which reduces privacy and boundaries. Successful purification can grant temporary relief from guilt, which increases trust and dedication. Members are motivated to obey to avoid confession.

Euphoria Induction – The euphoria of group participation and fulfilling the member’s ideals motivates good behavior and reduces doubts while proving the validity of the group.

Proselytizing – Members are encouraged to propagate teachings to outsiders. This not only maintains or increases the size of the group, but also soothes cognitive dissonance, consumes time, and provides opportunities for public commitment.

A F**king Good Question

Disclaimer: This post is based on real events. Certain names and details have been changed

I was fifty—f**king—years-old and had never asked myself, “What does Lucy want?”

I sat in a worn, brown leather armchair in Kristen’s sparsely, but tastefully, decorated office at the women’s shelter. I was assigned to her, the rape crisis specialist, even though I’d told the intake counselor I’d forgiven my perpetrator a long time ago. This was my first visit with a therapist, of any kind, and I was nervous. But after a few minutes, her kind demeanor helped me relax into comfortable and meaningful conversation. Eventually she asked me what I wanted to do and I rambled off a list of things that I figured my husband, children, mother, friends, and church leaders wanted me to do.

Kristen chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, confused, my answer was straight forward, filled with sincere concerns that pressed on my mind.

“Do you hear yourself?”

“No. What? …maybe I don’t understand your question.”

“I asked you what YOU want to do.”

I squirmed in my chair, searching for an answer. She sat quietly, waiting as I fidgeted. I finally looked up and said, “I have no idea.”  I’ve always done what everyone else wants me to do.

Nowadays, I’d just say, “I have no f**king idea.” But back then I wasn’t the f**king Mormon, well, actually, I was the f**king Mormon, like about 6000 times during my thirty-year-marriage; which was not an actual count because we never owned a bedpost. Based on our sexual “terms of agreement,” which I’ll explain in just a sec, and subtracting out the less frequent sex in the latter part of our marriage due to early stages of erectile dysfunction, the approximation is quite accurate.

But let me back up…all the way to my first sexual encounter. Mormons just love creating family trees, so here’s my perverted “pre-marital sex-tree.”

Premarital Sex Tree

Beginning at age four or five—because that’s when my older brother became curious about girls—sex began with the usual stuff:

  1. Childhood Molestation (a secret, but common, occurrence in many Mormon homes).
  2. One sexual assault that would’ve been rape but, fortunately, the perpetrator hadn’t f**ked anyone before and didn’t know what the f**k he was doing.
  3. The onset of my own curiosity and subsequent caressing and exploration that oftentimes takes place during sleepovers with girlfriends.
  4. First Orgasm. A very erotic experimentation with cunnilingus, post high school, with a married man—whom I believed was single—and still has me yearning for more.
  5. One failed attempt at masturbation with the end of a hair brush. Didn’t know about vibrators; wish I had. It might have kept me from throwing myself at men. But, again, Mormon’s don’t masturbate.
  6. A date-rape.
  7. Lots of Levi-Lovin (dry humping) at BYU, which wasn’t allowed, though everyone did it anyway and then lied about it or confessed to their bishops and were promptly forgiven. Except for the girls who, with childlike understanding of date rape, confessed to date rapes. Those girls were disfellowshipped; which is another long story that will require lots more wine or maybe even some whiskey.

Okay, back to f**king during marriage. Naturally, it wasn’t frowned upon if you were licensed to f**k. Silly me, I actually framed and hung my f**king license in the bedroom just like attorneys and doctors hang licenses in their offices to practice law and medicine. And practice is probably the best description of it because it lacked the intimacy that most couples strive for in marriage. When attempting to orgasm every day became a chore for me, I suggested a new schedule. But not achieving my O every day was akin to me saying I didn’t love him. So, as a good f**king Mormon wife, I proposed and he (after a colossal temper-tantrum) agreed to the following terms of sex:

My ex could f**k me day or night, anytime, anywhere, and as many times a day as he wanted as long as he didn’t require me to achieve my O as often as him. I was required to have my O—and I never-ever faked it—every third day. Not an easy feat, mind you, in a loveless marriage lacking much foreplay. Though he had no idea it was loveless because I faked being madly in love with him right up to the two hours prior to landing in the women’s shelter.

Right about now, you might be wondering how I achieved so many O’s (about 3000 and hoping for 3000 more). Well…that was easy as making homemade pussy pie—a skill not taught at Enrichment classes on Thursday nights. While ridin his red rodding hood, my mind was busy creating wild sex scenes in my head—there were about six plots that got me off quickly because a good f**king wife performs posthaste—and my ex never once starred, or even appeared, in a single mind-porn show.

“What does Lucy want?” my therapist was asking and I’m still trying to answer it. That was the first of many questions I started asking myself. “What does Lucy want?” is a question I still ask myself every day, a question I ask when someone’s pushing me to do something I’m not sure I want to do, or when—as a f**king Mormon people-pleaser—I feel obligated to do. In these moments, I silently ask myself, “What does Lucy want to do? And if I’m really honest with myself, the answer is always decisively clear. This question keeps me safe.

For those of you who can relate with the people-pleaser mentality, I’m hoping this question will help you too. Please share your stories, thoughts, feelings, opinions in the comments below.

OKCupid Message from Young Man

Recently, on OKCupid, I received the following message:

Young Man: I just want to meet you to see if you´re really that pretty in person! Haha! I’d respectfully date the sh!t out of you! What are you up to?

Old Woman (Me): LOL! How does one “respectfully” date the shit out of someone? I’m so very curious.

Young Man: Respectfully.